Have you ever known you had the drive to do something? Had the desire within you to do this one thing? But then you realized you only had some vague concept of what it was you were being called to do?
No? Just me? Well it’s true, that was me. For years it was me. I knew there were these things I was fascinated by and driven to do, but for some reason they all seemed like conflicting options. Then India called me. This country of city meets cow town meets land fill rang me up to say hey, you need to be here, it’s perfect for you, you’re going to love it. And I do! For the first time I feel home. Now let me explain, I don’t mean home as in I want to relocate to India. No I definitely don’t want to do that. I feel home in the work that I am doing. Working with movement, changing lives, travelling, and discovering a new culture all at the same time. It’s like my favorite recipe that took years to perfect and discover the secret ingredient to. Here, things make sense. I am not clawing my way through stereotypes and standards to get to the top to say I was successful. Here, I am just useful for a change. In ways that are much more life changing (and to me more important) than your own fight to the finish in the ongoing rat race. Yes I know I have to go back to “reality,” but honestly right now, reality is going to work at a paying job so I can come back to the answers I have found to these questions festering inside of me. Even the people here make more sense to me. Not the locals…I need to seriously study my Tamil for that. I mean the other people who have come on this quest. The volunteers. People who know what it means to be “called” to do something. People who understand what its like to be stared at blankly or angrily when you say you are “leaving.” People who understand that yes they technically have a choice, but deep inside they do not. This is their purpose. It’s a couple of months or a couple of years of your life to help many years of hundreds. It’s a nice change to be around people who get it with no need for explanation. aaannnd I am happy. not like oh, I think this is kinda ok and one day it will get me to where I want to be, etc etc. No, I am just plain happy. Some days are grueling but I recognize a change within myself. Many years of hard critical ballet school mentality are beginning to mend. I feel significantly less critical of myself, I find pleasure in more things, I have hope and feel like I can honestly tackle my ambitions rather than just flat-out fight for them. Life seems approachable, and I like that feeling. I also like believing that one person can truly make a difference. I find myself now with three sleeps left in India. With such little time left, I find myself wondering who has helped who more. It seems impossible that I have helped all these kids more than the amount they have opened my eyes and my heart. I also find myself having no idea what going back to the states will be like this time around. I always tend to have reverse culture shock over initial culture shock, but this time around seems like it might take things to a whole new level. I new it would be a big two months.
Tis only the chapter one of a new book.